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Posted by Linda 
December 21, 2004 04:36AM
I guess this question is more directed to our more mature foodies.

Both my parents and husband's parents are fit and well. So our kids have four grandparents. In the past 14months, my brother in law (hubby's sister's husband) has lost both his parents. Hubby's parents, have told us that they feel like they should do more for her kids (9 and 6yrs old), since they're the only grandparents for their children.

I don't want to sound spiteful or anything, but it means they'll do things, like take their kids to the park, feed the ducks, etc but never do it for our kids. Their reasoning is that our kids get that done by my parents - which they do.

My parents treat my sister's kids exactly the same as ours, and they only have one active grand parent on the other side. I've spoken to my parents about it, and they feel they would like to have a positive relationship with each grand child. They've only got 4.

But at 9 and 7, our kids are noticing they are treated different, from their other set of cousins, and now don't even want to visit that set of grand parents.

Any suggestions..............


Re: Grandparenting
December 21, 2004 09:48AM
Good grief. How awful to split the children like they are suggesting which is basically what they are doing and if I get you right you are saying the other set of Grandparents is willing to treat these other two children as they treat yours so what is the problem with the other set. Far too sensitive and it's not only your children who will be missing out. I imagine they are doing what they think is best but.... ask the children... if this is at all possible. I do feel for you but have no suggestions other than maybe a little family get together would be a good idea. Do you all live close by each other?
Have a wonderful Christmas and I do hope you sort it without too many hassles. ?:-(
Re: Grandparenting
December 21, 2004 10:29AM
I know how you feel because we had a similar thing when I was a child. My Aunt & her husband had divorced & so her children were treated differently, my brother was the one who noticed it most as the other boy (cousin) were the same age & even in front of my brother he would get the last cake or whatever. It wasn't fair & my Mum wouldn't say anything, if it was me now I would talk to them about it but it could be that it wouldn't make any difference because maybe her heart is more with your other neices/nephews, it is very hard & I am sorry about it I don't really have an answer except to tell them what effect it is having on your children. Hope this helps.
Re: Grandparenting
December 21, 2004 09:12PM
Perhaps your husband could tell his parents how your children are feeling and maybe you could let your In-laws read this thread? I know that sometimes parents and grandparents have certain children who hold a special place in their hearts but that is where the favouritism should stay. As a grandparent myself I cannot imagine favouring one family over another. Such a put down for the children left out - and of course they will be well aware of it and perhaps their respect for your husbands parents will suffer because of it. We often wonder why youngsters don't show enough respect for their elders - I think we choose not to see some of the causes. Good luck and best wishes for Christmas.

Re: Grandparenting
December 21, 2004 09:36PM
As a grandparent also I think Lucy holds the key to this dilemma. Lack of communication is a scourge in relationships and so often we expect others to almost read our minds instead of clearly verbalising our concerns.

Hence I agree with Lucy - someone should explain in a gentle and none-judgemental way to the grandparents concerned just what the children are experiencing in the way of having their noses slightly out of joint as it were!! As for who broaches the subject - I guess you, Linda, would best know who should do it - the one who has the skills to be most tactful and none-blaming I believe!!

That's my view on the situation - and good luck with getting it sorted out Linda - life's too short to let these things gain too much momentum - if they are left simmering without being out in the open this can breed a resentment that lasts for a very long time!!

Re: Grandparenting
December 21, 2004 09:53PM
I can relate - my Husband's sisters are all solo parents (never married) and their children are always staying at the Grandparents place or going shopping with them. The Grandparents are always buying them things, and my DD's aged 6 & 8 are not blind - they know very well what's going on and know they are missing out. We have moved away from the family and are now a lot happier as our own family unit, however that is not a reasonable solution! The only thing I can suggest is talking to the Grandparents, or if you can't do that, how about expressing your thoughts in a letter? Best of luck for Christmas, Rachel.
Re: Grandparenting
December 21, 2004 10:25PM
Gee, I really feel for your kids Linda. I can understand where your hubby's parents are coming from, but the outcome for your kids is probably something that they haven't considered.

It would be great if your hubby felt comfortable enough to be able to have a chat with them.

Each grandchild and each grandparent is special. It doesn't matter if you have 1 or 4 - your relationship with each is what matters.

Hope that it works out Linda. Thinking of you.

Re: Grandparenting
December 23, 2004 02:34AM
Hi Linda,
yes I know exacty how you feel. if you are on good terms with your in-laws speak to them about hoew your childen are feeling, the grandparents probably don't realise how the children are feeling and will be embarassed if they think that the children think that they favour their cousins over them. Try and explain to the children whaT and why this is happening and tell them that whatever happens their other grandparents love them .
Please don't let this go on as it causes problems with the adults and their siblings.
Family is the most precious gift we have been given , please remedy this before it goes any further
Merry Christmas ,
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